Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God..."

Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ang ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter "A"
Pare: Approachable.
Bobo: Mali!
Pare: Amiable.
Bobo: Mali pa rin!
Pare: O sige na nga, sirit na.
Bobo: ANEST!

LANGAW

tiene dos langaw ta para na tae y ta kome tae....


langaw1: jort dol kere man yo tira utut?

langaw2: buysit abusaw bos! mira bos ta kome yo aki alya daw se lehos buysit!

hahahaha!!! ay cute

PEDRO: Niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: Paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: Nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.

INA: Anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: Nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: Lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'You only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay dahil mukhang matapobre.

Nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: Sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: Bobo! Seedless ito!

STUDENT: Ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: Natural hindi.
STUDENT: Good, di ko po ginawa ang assignment ko!

Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: Naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase na iyan!
ERAP: Hay salamat. Akala ko ay bago

ABORTION
Nars: Doc. porke man tu ya manda bolbe con el pasyente?
Doc: Na cay bakla akel!
Nars: Doc. maskin bakla pero pasyente kel diaton!
Doc: hoy Nars, dos meses daw le prinyada y kiere le comete abortion.
Nars: despues ya manda tu bolbe pobre man
Doc:mira bos, donde parte man yo conele raspa?
Nars: ngek!!!

AMO: Inday, sagutin mo ang telefone.
INDAY: Hilu, hilu, hilu
AMO: Inday, baliktarin mo para marinig ka.
INDAY: Lu-hi, lu-hi, lu-hi
AMO: Ay tanga, telefone ang baliktarin mo
INDAY: fon-tele, fon-tele, fon-tele

Bush: We are the first to go to moon.
Erap: We will be first to sun.
Bush: You cant, you'll get burnt.
Erap: We are not as stupid as you think. We will go there at night.

chene tres survivor na man amigo na un isla...ara se kun ambre y kunsequija sila,ya ingkuntra sila un botelya y chene genie adentro,abla el uno amigo pwede kita man wish siguraw.ara se ya uwi el genie ya sale apwera del botelya y ya abla si master pwede ostedes man wish kada uno?abla el amigo number1 man wish yo muchu kumida y agua aki na isla...able el genie si master,den muchu kumida y agua...den el migo number2,miss ya yo dimiyo pamilya.man wish yo genie sana na kasa ya yo ara hunto na miyo pamilya...abla el genie si master.arase dos man amigo ya lang na isla...abla el genie tu master number3 kosa tu wish.abla el amigo number3 hmm ara ya pensa anay yo embwenamente kosa bueno man wish?aha abla el amigo number3 duk tan miss ya yo kun el diatun amigo number2.ok abla el amigo number3.man wish yo genie sanabira ole aki si amigo number2 kay kun kame lang ki dos na ilsa ben triste...si master abla el genie ara se ya bira el amigo number2 bien rabyao.abla si number2 bien bobo man bo nuay bo pensa?yan bobochahan sila tres kabar el genie na myedo yabira na botelya ole...

kosa pasa knel zamboanga c keda under del ARMM?
1. muchu iskupida del plemas el entero pueblo .
2. el datun national costume ay malung y bolo.
3. el alphabet datun ay kambya mas man una el letter "R" knel letter "L".
4. buska cla sedula knel mga animal.
5. nusabe cla donde el right and left during marching poreso el dila marching pula puti pula puti para entende sila. search kamu kunese na youtube.
6. manpicture out kamu el military datun c milf nway combat de pies2x or chinelas lang ta usa.

Thank you for the good work.

a man died and went straight to heaven. He noticed many Clocks hanging around , so he ask St. Peter , "What are those Clocks?" St. Peter Replied "Those are Clocks of LIES, when a person lies, the hands of the clock will move, look at this one, this is Mother Theresa's clock, it never moves, it means she did not tell any lie. This is Abraham Lincoln, it only moved twice. "" remarkable!"" the man said. "but where is Gloria Arroyo's Clock." St, Peter answered " it is in Jesus's office, he is using it as a Ceiling Fan!..

chene un pulis ya kuhi un ladron, ya prigunta l pulis:

pulis: Bungi yo o hinde?

ladron: hinde sir.

pulis: PAMPARON!!!!! "kakal"

pulis: Bungi yo o hinde?

ladron: bungi sir.

pulis: IMBUSTERO!!!!! "kakal"

pulis: bungi yo o hinde?

ladron: bungi hinde sir.

pulis: makabuyung...

BANG BANG BANG....
muerto l ladron...

A business owner in Cebu was confused about paying an invoice and deducting the early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the San Carlos University and I need some help. If I were to give you P21,375 minus 12.75%, how much would you take off?

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

(You gotta love Cebuana women!!)

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital." How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. And that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Doctors Wisdom!!

Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks".

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks".

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of
them out looking for work in two weeks".

The American doctor interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to
take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and half the
country will be out looking for work".

did you hear the story about the broken pencil? no point to it. hear the joke about the garbage? forget it. it's a load of trash. hear the story about the roof? forget it. it's over your head. hear the story about the rope/ skip it!

There's no place like Zamboanga City.

One day a grandson asked his lolo. The question goes like this.

Apo. Lo, what if mag ulan ug mga magagandang hot babes.

Lolo: Sus kanimo dong oi,,, mag da-um palang hubag na kaayo ko hahahahahahaha

i like the jokes

episode:
isang araw bumili ng tinapay c peping para sa kanyang kapatid na may sakit
..nung pag uwi nyay may natapakan siyang chemical sa loob ng plastik at itoy tumalsik sa kanyang mga mata...
natapon nya ang tinapay at nahiga sa kalye..
narrator:
makakakita pa kaya muli si peping..
subaybayan sa pinakaaabangang
"PEPING BULAG"
(OK LANG BA???)

I'm pretty sure you know very well that the www is the greatest technological creation in modern history. Although I suppose somebody else would have invented it earlier or later if you hadn't, I just wanted to say thank you for having done such incredible pioneer work on a sector that has changed the lives of us all.

tiene tres man amigo ta kamina,ya pwede cla nota na kamino un kosa pwde man discribe mapilit y kolor yellow,..na curiosity ya atraka el amigo1

amigo1;tae ba se??
ya atraka tamen el segundo amigo

amigo2;dol tae gayot
finally el aka tres amigo

amigo3;aber aber aber ase me kuwit si tae ba?...

ya ase kuwit el aka tres amigo then ya uli

amigo3:ngek habla ya gayot tae gayot..tae gale se........

Tiene un padre ta anda ele hace misa na un lugar, ta munta ele pirme ese bus todol dia a las ocho del aga,quien ta maneja si Peter,siguru ta nota si Peter porque este jente todol dia ta munta na disuyu bus,pero nosabe ele que ese padre,un dia ya pregunta ele con ese jente,donde man tu ta anda todol aga? Ya contesta el padre na ta anda hace misa, ay sorry padre galeh tu, pero padre si tu ta dale el sermon todol jente ta dormi, pero si yo hace bien corre el bus todol jente dispierto ta reza,poreso si yo ay desgracia ay ginda gayot yo na heaven, hinde ba,ya contesta el padre yeah,yeah,ay ginda tu na infierno cay muchu jente tu ya mata.

Funny!!!

A 70-year old 'lolo' from the province was accompanied by a grandson to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview.

The lolo spoke not a word of English so the grandson translated for him. The Consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to go to the States.

"Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?" The grandson translated
"Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko doon."

"He said he wants to see his children there."

Fair enough, that's what the lolo's application indicated.
The Consul had another question. "Ask him why does he have to go there? Why can't his children just come and visit him here?" The grandson translated this in Tagalog.

Lolo replied: "Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak ko.
Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay."
(Translation: "Tell him, my children were born here. They've seen the Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die.")

The HEARTLESS Consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application "because the applicant was unable to speak any word of English."

"Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles."

The lolo was equally unimpressed. "Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag na huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko: "Putang ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog!?"

Translated, "He said: You son of a bitch, how come you are here... you do not know how to speak in Tagalog!?"

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and
approved lolo's visa application in pronto.

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy:SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin:Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya!
Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

Greg : Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!

Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda:Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda:98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!

Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari
patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong
kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"

AND THE FAVORITE:
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!

Jun-Jun:Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina! Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun:"Sino ang walang assignment?"

Titser:Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan:Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan:Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo.May sulok po ba ang bilog?

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: Sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police:"Di Namin Alam "

Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!

Man1:Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY:(Binatukan ang anak) Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"

Employee: Boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

Juan(riding a motorcycle): Huy!! Kosa man se debo reda.

Pedro(riding another motorcycle): Porke kosa chene?

Juan: Ta bira man se!!!

Tiene tres rapist ya kidnap todo mujer na un bangko ya leba na un bodega

Rapist: todo mga mujer man rape.

Bata: Numa ya ostedes ase entra konel miyo lola bien bieha ya gayot se

Lola:He! Kalya boka bo ali ya abla ya todo de todo, tonto te.

A rapist points his gun to a nun and asks her
Rapist: Rape or die?
Nun: Rape ya lang heaven pa.
After the nun was raped the nun got the rapist's gun and ask him
Nun: Repeat or die?

Chene un holdaper (Gwapo)
Ya man holdap le na un jeep (tan biahe para vitali)

HOLDAPER (GWAPO): HOLDAP ESTE, HOLDAP!!

YA KONTESTA EL UN PASAHERO MUJER: RAPE... RAPE...RAPE.

KONTESTA TAMBIEN EL HOLDAPER: HOLDAP LANG ,, NUAY RAPE..

YA KONTESTA EL MUJER: PORKE NU PUEDA BA MAN SUGGEST!!